Crossroads and Crossed Words

Hi…. yeah its been a while hasnt it?

My bad.

A LOT has happened since my last post, and I’ve grown a lot since then too…

This is probably the most honest post to date…so yeah…

Also this isn’t a post strictly about depression or anxiety… I’ve already done that…and it’s a continuing battle…I’m not giving up though. Everyone has good days and bad days….

Instead, I’m simply going to express as best I can where my head is at right now.

I’m trying to find balance in my life. Navigating the world after finishing a university course that was defining your life is a big change. This is often the case when it comes to studying for degrees since you can do them at any point in your life. Now that mine is over, I’m struggling to figure out what the next step should be. While no one ever really stops learning in some way, I really like academia and how it’s helped me develop personally, professionally and creatively over the years. While I’m thankful for everything I’ve learned so far in this field, it’s been an interesting safety net when it comes to focusing on something that can be more important at times than self care. At times though…

One MASSIVE LESSON I’ve learned in my personal life in particular is this:

Being vulnerable is important.

You’re always learning.

Yeah….that happened….

Honestly, working at the BBC is something I NEVER thought would HAPPEN…but it has and I’m truly grateful and honoured to be a part of the team.

This opportunity has given me a chance to really think about what else I can and want to do…and making plans to put them into action instead of ideas staying in a Google doc forever.

The exposure itself is incredibly daunting and my anxiety flared up LOADS when I announced it. The positive and supportive messages from friends and family are fantastic and I can’t thank you enough but I won’t lie, it still didn’t calm my anxiousness. The days after the announcement and before the first show, people were messaging me loads wanting plugs for things they were wanting to promote. While I appreciate the gesture, it was still incredibly jarring. ANXIETY SPIKE

Friends and family were using words like “jealous”, “fame” or “famous” in their supportive messages…ANXIETY SPIKE.

The first time I heard the radio jingle say my name….MASSIVE ANXIETY SPIKE = PANIC ATTACK.

It was all too much.

I wanted to disappear.

After the first show though, my anxiety washed away and I felt a million times better. I soon realised that the only thing I can be is myself and I was able to do that without apology on air despite nerves. I talked about mental health, living with depression and anxiety, and played a song that’s helped me during anxious moments. Why hide that shit?!

I have a job to do here. It is WORK. I will still be myself whilst doing the work though.

I’m getting better at saying “NO” whenever I need/want to, and setting boundaries are CRUCIAL. Self preservation is important.

So is time management….and having lazy days with pals or on your own. Hooray for duvet days!!!

Being a careerwoman/scholar/superhero/ninja is hard work and fantastic.

On days off, I will read books & X-men comics, eat Pringles and disappear under my duvet while Netflix is on or playing Civ 5.

I take the time to embrace my solitude.

It’s becoming a nice routine now, especially when my work involves being surrounded by loads of people a lot of the time.

It’s all good though.

Balance.

I’m soooo lucky to have amazing friends who are so supportive and kind, and make me cry with laughter. I’m thankful for my amazing family back in London, than you for grounding me so much!

And I’m thankful that my hard work is paying off in new and truly surprising ways, so thanks again Universe!

I’m looking forward to whatever you’ve got in store for me next.

Peace x

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