Those bastard gremlins: Depression and Anxiety

There are times, like with anyone in any profession…or just anyone in fact, where everything just feels off and shit. You feel like there’s a constant dark cloud hovering over you and no matter how much you’re able to smile and joke around, that cloud will not bloody budge.

It’s hard and stressful, especially when you have people around you who genuinely care about you and your wellbeing, but that little anxiety troll in your head keeps banging their drum louder and louder…The more it bangs on the drum, the more cloud literally rains on your psyche.

And it sucks.

For me it comes in waves but as time goes by, the waves have gotten smaller and smaller thankfully. I guess this is due to knowing when to take time out and rest, when it’s OK to hash it out via creative means…and when it’s OK to just curl up, eat all the bbq Pringles and watch disaster movies.

It’s okay. Honestly.

All I’m saying is that as a performer, more often than not, we’re required to do as many gigs as possible to get our names out there and show the world what we can do. No one ever really talks about taking a break to get your energy back.  I came across an article about Benga talking about his early retirement due to depression and other mental health issues he’s been diagnosed with. Bless him, a lot of his experiences echoed some things I (and others) have experienced, and in some cases, continue to experience.

I love what I do, and being able to channel weird negative energies into something productive, creative and enjoyable REALLY FUCKING HELPS… but everyone needs a break too.

Everyone needs to take a step back.

Everyone needs to recharge.

Sometimes the world can get dark and shitty, and you feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing clicks…and that’s where I’m at right now. A lot of weird negative things have happened basically all at once in my personal life, and while I’m trying to carry on and do the best I can possibly do at this point, I am struggling. I won’t lie to you or myself. Some days are and will be easier than others, that’s the rollercoaster of anxiety and depression.

The main thing to do at this point is to surround myself with good energy, good vibes, amazing loving people and allow myself to feel all the things and accept them. By doing this, I know I’ll become stronger and this current wave of bad energy will pass too. Thinking or feeling like this energy is permanent isn’t good. Any gigs I have I’ll still play because they help me to just focus on doing something I love without feeling anxious. Gigs actually help to quiet my mind and calm things but sadly, I can’t play out to crowds every day of the week… (Yes there’s streaming stuff but it’s not really the same)…

Taking time for yourself to do what you love to do and reconnecting with people that mean a lot to you is so vital, and I’m honestly sorry if I’ve not been able to do this. Head’s been mega fuzzy but it seems like things are improving and clearing.

What was meant to be a blog post about mental health in general in terms of being a DJ/Turntablist just turned into something way more personal than I thought…

Goes to show that sometimes the unexpected things can really help you feel better about things.


Take care of yourself and thanks for reading.

N x

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